My younger brother moved out to live at his college dorm a few weeks ago. He's my only sibling, and his leaving marks the official day my parents become empty nesters. While you'd think my parents or my brother himself would find themselves reveling in the momentous occasion, they carried on as if nothing happened. My brother ushered for us to leave and my parents obliged without complaint. When they arrived home, my dad promptly flipped back to his favourite Chinese right wing punditry channel while he mined satoshis of bitcoin. My mom glued herself to her large monitors tracking the minutae of the market. I was the unlikely candidate left to be an emotional wreck.
My brother and I didn't exactly get along growing up, engaging in all sorts of warfare tactics that would put even Sun Tzu to shame. I liked to resort to psychological torture - for example, I'd read him a story book before he was literate, replacing the main character with his name and describing nightmarish social situations that would strike fear in the hearts of every young child ("Raymond pooped his pants in the supermarket"). He would strike back with his newly minted molars, gnawing at me until I bled. Looking back, I must've been the instigator in 95% of the situations. Raymond's never been one to have ulterior motives.
I can't pinpoint the exact moment I stopped being an ass and started to feel protective of him, but it must've been around the time I moved out myself to go to college and realized that the universe wasn't just going to hand me things as it always had before. I felt my own coming of age was a fragile process, easily disrupted by today's endless cacophony of attention grabbing stimuli. Growing up, becoming a long term positive contributing member of society, dealing with endless new responsibilities, and finding happiness is the hardest fucking thing anyone is going to accomplish. There have been an endless number of decision points where I broke down and thought "why can't someone just tell me what I'm supposed to do?". It's overwhelming, and I wish there was a way Raymond could avoid feeling lost.
I thought back to growing up in my parents' house to recall that Raymond was always there for me when I had no one else left. 4 year old Raymond gave me hot lunch money out of his piggy bank when I blew all of mine. 6 year old Raymond came to all the random after school drop in sports camps with me when our parents were working. 10 year old Raymond spent an afternoon being my muse as I practiced every aperture setting on our loaned yearbook cameras.
When I watched Raymond move in, tidy his things, keep a budget spreadsheet, and cook his own curries, my happiness was marred by the realization that he had grown so much without me being there for him at all.
So Raymond, I know you're not 17 anymore because you moved out a year late due to the coronavirus, but let's pretend I wrote this for your first year self so I can do what little I can in return. You're doing great for yourself already and I wish I kept closer tabs on you while I was away. Anyhow, here are 17 things I learned while I was figuring my shit out that I would've liked to know when I was moving out. I'm still far from heeding these perfectly myself but I hope you find some of them helpful. Good luck man, study hard and take care of your health.
Your life is yours to live: I made a LinkedIn account during frosh week and suddenly adopted all of these arbitrary goals I needed to achieve before I could be content- 6 figure job, name-brand firm, a specific role title. I think it was because these classmates I looked up to seemed happy and well-respected by others because people saw they had these things, and I just wanted to be happy and liked, too. What I didn't consider was the actual work and time these people dedicated to achieving these goals. That work they put in day in, day out represents the true accomplishment others don't gleam from LinkedIn. Be relentless in experiencing as much as you can to figure out what you could wake up and do every day before you set life goals, because this will set you up for success more than any traditional goalpost will. Lots of people are going to tell you what is worth doing with your life, but you need to figure out for yourself what is worth living for.
Everything is an argument: This was the name of the textbook Mr. Wallace, my favourite high school teacher, gave us on the first day of English Lit 11. I admired that he questioned everything and vetted every opinion before adopting it in his belief system- It gave him a lot of confidence arguing for his point of view. When you're given information, ask yourself: Who wants me to believe this and why?
Learn to differentiate the signal from the noise: The signal is anything that will make a measurable impact on helping you figure out what you want and how to get there. The noise is everything else. With so much easily accessible information out there, it's going to be hard not to be confused or to question everything you're doing. I found the main source of noise for me was listening to other people's advice because I looked up to them, or caring what people thought of me. Always think about the information you have about yourself that someone else doesn't know before blindly following their advice (including mine).
People are going to be more different than you know: When I went to college I experienced terrible culture shock because I was close-minded- After all, I grew up around people who were practically carbon copies of myself. I thought people who had different values than mine (not school or grades, instead networking and partying) were lesser because of what I had been brought up to believe, but I was shocked to find that they were equally, if not more, successful. Train yourself to accept and appreciate other people's differences, even when it's hard- It will put you at ease in new social situations.
A good outcome doesn't mean you made a good decision: It's often said that success comes from both skill and luck. Luck may seem random, but actually it can be gamed to your advantage if you learn to make good decisions. Understand that you actually can improve the way you make decisions, and the way that you do that is by reflecting on the ones you made in the past. For example, I chose to go to Queen's Commerce and it worked out fine for me in the end, but that doesn't make it a good decision. I prioritized prestige, but I never seriously looked at the types of courses I'd take. I know now that I should've done more research into the jobs I wanted, the skills I needed to have, and the courses that would give me those skills at the best price.
Be honest about what you want (even if you don't know): Some of the best advice I got when finding a job early on was just to tell as many people as possible what I wanted, even if I wasn't sure or even if I didn't have the skills. Everytime I've lied about what I want out of shame or fear, I ended up getting an opportunity I wasn't fully happy with. Tell people what you think and they'll respect you for it if they're worth your time.
People are too busy thinking about themselves to worry about you, so don't take things personally: Raised as first generation Chinese immigrants, we were taught that other people's perceptions of us - Wealth, status, intelligence, ability to live a stereotypically successful life - were incredibly important. We were told not to show any weaknesses, to be exceedingly considerate of others, and to generally care what other people thought of every decision we made. Enter my favourite thing about Western culture: Here, it's a huge waste of limited brainspace to craft how people perceive you. Even when you get rejected, concede to asking for help, or do something that invites criticism, I find that people don't care enough to judge. It's truly what they mean by "Land of the free".
You have limits: I believed I could accomplish anything through sheer willpower (To be honest, I still do). That's a pretty silly mindset to have because I just burned myself out and started resenting whatever I was doing, leading me to produce even less than if I just paced myself. When you find your limits, don't compare yourself to how hard others can work, it doesn't make you any more productive.
Don't feel obligated to be with someone because they're nice: No one owes you anything, so be grateful to people who share their time, their stories, their lives with you. However, don't let that stop you from finding truly standout people to invest in- People you admire, who push you to be better, and care to know you enough that they believe in you and trust your decisions. I was scared to leave a relationship for a long time because I didn't think other people would be kinder to me- I now see that it was selfish of me to hold on.
You don't have to have the answers: People are going to ask you questions you don't have the answers to all of the time. There's an art form in sitting with the discomfort of not knowing the answers that even I'm still figuring out, but learn to ask questions in return, realize that people aren’t asking to personally attack you, say you don't know, and take it in stride.
Nothing ever goes to plan: Some of the biggest changes in my life have been unforeseen just a few months earlier. I used to lose sleep over the decisions I'd make 6 months out, only to find myself in a completely different situation when the time actually came. Use the energy you're not wasting on planning the details of the future to appreciate the now.
Feed yourself properly and find peace with your body image in a healthy way: Social media makes an eating disorder seemingly inevitable. From someone who has struggled for years, I truly wish I could tell my younger self that starting down the path of skipping a meal here and there wasn't going to be worth the mental and physical toll. Know that changing your body isn't going to improve your body image.
Don't forget what makes you feel like yourself: The hardest thing about first and second year for me was meeting new people and realizing that I wasn't interesting at all. It wasn't that I didn't do stuff, I just didn't spend time on things that I was proud to talk about. I couldn't talk about reading, writing, or style because I gave it all up to optimize for the status I wanted to have. Ironically, I was a huge bore at parties and probably got negative clout for being a reluctant nerd.
Just ask for help: I mean it- Ask your friends to refer you point blank. Ask your profs if you can do research for them. Ask that girl out. Truly, what is the worst that could happen?
Figure out how to do your taxes with Turbo Tax: Did you know you have to report all the money you earned in the past year every April? I sure as hell didn't until I got a full time job. It's like, serious. There's a nationwide homework deadline. I was kinda late to the party, but if you're just a salaried employee in one country, TurboTax is a free software that everyone uses. If your tax situation is more complicated (like mine), make sure to save all of your paystubs, timesheets, and invoices so you can have an accountant look at it.
Learn to drive: You're miles ahead of me (on the odometer) on this one, but I'll admit I was silly for holding out to wait for self-driving cars. I want to take roadtrips, go on faraway hikes, and visit Costco to buy more than 3 items. You don't get any more time to learn when you graduate.
Stop and smell the roses: Yeah life is kinda depressing, but if you don't think about your future for a hot second (as it's not even going to play out the way you think it is) you'll find that being alive is kinda fire.
Apologies for the break in our regularly scheduled programming, but if you enjoyed this please consider subscribing, and letting me know if becoming an adult was this dramatic for you. See you next Tuesday!